King of the Whities

June 1, 2011 | Leave a comment JailhouseRock

At first I thought it rather strange, but there is a definite hierarchic structure to prison life. Although there were established procedures enforced by the guards as to when to get up, when to eat, when to line up for roll call and when to go to bed, the inmates themselves had an unofficial government, a pecking order that was as simple as one person being the alpha male who led the rest of the group. Groups were organized simply by race: the Mexicans (describing all Hispanics), the Blacks (whom...

Dinner Date

May 23, 2011 | Leave a comment Prison

About thirty hours into my journey and I had no sleep. I felt worse than being in airports all day. The only thing I wanted to do by this time was get some rest. I was called out of my cell after my lengthy conversation with Tops, to where I thought I was finally going to go to some other holding cell. However, I was walked into a large gymnasium style area with bunks all over the place filled with about 150 people and a mezzanine staircase that expanded to about half the size of the ground floor...

Going to the Zoo

May 17, 2011 | Leave a comment monopoly-go-to-jail-card

Despite my unfortunate—but rather deserved—predicament, I would have to say that I am rather impressed with the expediency of our justice system. DUIs are probably the only crime, albeit a misdemeanor, where there is no reasonable doubt or even arguing a defense to your case (although some people have been able to challenge them, but not when they’ve had three DUIs). The evidence is almost always insurmountable. “Mr. Benner, this has now been your third offense in driving under the influence...

The Hard Way

May 10, 2011 | Leave a comment DUI

The first time I was only about a block away from my house, and I ended up not going to Europe for the summer after I graduated as a result. The second time I actually found myself off the side of the freeway with my car entangled by heavy shrubs and small trees. I ended up in the hospital after that one, but no one else did. Six years later, it happened again, and it was just plain stupidity and disregard for the consequences of my actions. So I got three...

Doo Deh Di–Marijuana Affects the Memory

April 23, 2011 | Leave a comment Half-Baked

I don’t think that most spring break places for college kids leave much to the imagination: the escapes are usually in a warmer place than college towns in the US (typically in Mexico), you can expect lots of boozing, lots of parties, lots of flashing breasts, and lots of casual sex. However, when you finally get to wherever you are dying to go, you encounter lots of boozing, lots of parties, but lots of dudes, and lots of douche bags. It’s pretty much a nine to one guy to girl ratio wherever...

The One On the Left

March 16, 2011 | Leave a comment Leopard

My father Bill never thought that I was too young to do anything except drink alcohol before I turned 21. He wouldn’t necessarily take me to Disneyland or to the movies when I was a kid, but he would take me to banquet dinners and sometimes conferences, things that no 10-year old would really want to go to, but things he thought that I should attend nonetheless. There is a common denominator amongst all adolescents when they are around older men: they want to be accepted as a man themselves and...

The Kidnap Express

March 16, 2011 | Leave a comment Luchalibre

I’m the kind of guy who probably minimizes the severity of how dangerous certain predicaments really are. I’ve underestimated how much attention I probably call to myself being a lone white boy walking down ethnic neighborhoods with a Rolex on, or the fact that my voice stands out at a bar when I am talking sh*t about some meat-pulsing body builder with no neck and pointing out how ridiculous he looks. I may be naïve or just flat out oblivious to how dangerous this world can be and that bad...

The Midnight Switcheroo

February 7, 2011 | Leave a comment light switch

To this day, I can’t quite explain how alcohol merely emboldens me to do things that I know I’d never do when I’m sober. From emptying a fire extinguisher into a crowded group of people at a packed party, taking off my shirt on a packed dance floor, or breaking down a door in my friend’s house, the reasoning or logic behind any of these occurrences remains a mystery to me. I guess part of this aberrant behavior stems from a desire to do something that I think would be funny and I only bolster...

The Substitute Delivery Boys

February 2, 2011 | Leave a comment Irie Bus

There is not much of an improvement between the jobs you get when you’re in college compared to what you can get in high school. The common denominator is that they all suck and no one is going  to hire some teenager ager or twenty-something year old to do something this isn’t mindless or disgusting.  The only difference is that a college student is more likely to get hired because employers empathize with how poor they are. My college roommate Phil...

The Longest/Shortest Booty Call Trip Ever . . .

November 30, 2010 | Leave a comment Delta Flying2

Some years ago, I used to live with my twin brother Alex. Alex’s and my game seem to go in opposite directions, when I’m top, he’s on bottom, and when he’s watering his crops, I deal with the dry spells. It’s strange because we look exactly alike but women’s tastes in our good looks appear to vary with the seasons; one is summer when the other is winter; however, there are times of the year where we’re both spring. As it is, we went out a...

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